DAY 11: Give up believing that people get what they deserve

Many people who consider themselves spiritually enlightened or liberal believe that “everything happens for a reason” and “you get what you deserve”. These assertions are usually said in the context of some challenge that has been overcome or some unexpected outcome.  And they are usually said by white, upper middle class people who have little experience of suffering or oppression.  

I understand the motivation to believe that people get what they deserve - it offers comfort in times of struggle so we can find the strength to overcome setbacks, and it prevents us from experiencing guilt or discomfort when we receive gifts that we didn’t work for.  

What people don’t realize when they say these things is that, by extension, people who experience oppression, violence or even death - George Floyd, Chantal Moore, D’Andre Campbell, Tamir Rice, Amaud Arbury, the list goes on, somehow deserved it or it happened for a reason. It is cruel and harmful to have your struggles and violence directed at you blamed on you, especially when that violence happens because of systemic racism and not as a result of your actions specifically.  

TIP: When you find yourself saying “everything happens for a reason” or “people get what they deserve”, take a moment to reflect on why you are saying it.  What emotion is behind saying it?  What message are you wanting the person you are with to hear?  Can you think of another way of saying it that doesn’t imply that those who experience violence or oppression “deserve” what they get?

For example, I am most often motivated to say “everything happens for a reason” when someone I care for has just had an experience with a big negative impact. I want to support them to find meaning and purpose in what happened and use it to recover and move forward. So, instead I could ask “Is there a way for you to make meaning from this experience?”, or “Is there a way for me to support you to integrate what happened so you can move forward?”