DAY 34: Give up turning your feelings of discomfort back on the people expressing their discomfort

Our emotions are powerful and predictable drivers of our decisions and actions.  Our day to day actions are mostly attempts to avoid negative feelings and experience positive ones.  So, when someone tells us that we have done or said something that is racist, our first instinct is to do something, anything, to get rid of the feelings of guilt, shame, or embarrassment that arise. We look for someone outside of ourselves to blame, often dumping our discomfort back on the person who spoke up.  

We do this by denying that we are racist, defending our character or expressing our own hurt.  These reactions focus the attention on us, causing more harm by sidelining the needs and feelings of the Person of Colour.  And, as mentioned before, while it is painful to be called racist, it is much more painful to experience racism.

TIP: The uncomfortable feelings we experience when we are told that our behaviour was hurtful come from within, not outside us.  They are indicators that let us know that we have done or said something that is out of integrity with our core values. Get curious about why you are experiencing the feelings you are having.  Can you name them?  What do they tell you about your unconscious bias?  Once you have clarity, take accountability for our actions by acknowledging the harm and imagining what you would do differently next time.  Then, if there is an opportunity, offer an apology that comes from this awareness.